Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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