you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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