Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
