I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
