Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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