I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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