The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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