Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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