If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
