Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize