He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
