apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
