I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize