Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I need to align my fucking chakras
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
