i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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