She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
