Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
