and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
