If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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