Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
