I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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