Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I enjoy the company of your penis
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
