No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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