quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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