remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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