I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
