Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
