Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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