apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
