Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
