I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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