i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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