My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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