I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
