he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He passed out mid-signature
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
