If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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