So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
