I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
