I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
