he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
