please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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