Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
