I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
