just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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