Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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