so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
