If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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