help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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