Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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