I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
