My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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