His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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