Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
