I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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