It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
