My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
false alarm. still invincible.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
