Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
