come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
